


Agnes' choice

by Houseofbeesart



Series: TMA girls week [2]
Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Cult of the Lightless Flame (The Magnus Archives), Entity Swap AU, Gen, Lonely!Agnes, Statement Fic (The Magnus Archives)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:00:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25784785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Houseofbeesart/pseuds/Houseofbeesart
Summary: Agnes finally gets to make her own statement about her childhood, and about the first time she felt like she was able to truly make a choice.
Series: TMA girls week [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1861687
Kudos: 5
Collections: TMA Girls Week





	Agnes' choice

Hello Gertrude. 

The other avatars of the Desolation will probably find a way to blame you for what I’m writing about. In a way, I suppose it is your fault. Without your meddling, I could have led the Desolation into its ritual years ago, and none of this would have happened. Maybe that would have been better, or maybe this is for the best, but either way, I figured I’d give you my statement, so here it is.

Choice. Even in this world of fear that you and I live in, choice is still so important. Usually, once a fear entity touches you, they have two options: to embrace it or to become its meal. Not that either option is ideal, but you do get a choice. Even you, with all your loopholes and safety measures to stay as human as possible, are still an avatar, feeding the Beholding. 

I, on the other hand, was chosen. Part of me still wants to believe that I would have chosen to become an avatar of Desolation if I’d had the choice, the point is that I didn’t. I was the chosen child of the Lightless Flame, born to serve its purpose. 

I’m sure it won’t surprise you to know that I didn’t grow up surrounded by other children and happiness. Avatars aren’t the most nurturing of people in general, and the Cult of the Lightless Flame even less so, but I quickly learned how to get what I wanted once I realized the power I possessed. Even the people who were able to mold their flesh like molten wax couldn’t stand the heat of my fire.

So that was my childhood, spoiled and surrounded by adults who had no interest in caring for a child and wanting me to be some sort of prophet for the entity we served. I did spend some years in the house on Hilltop Road, but I had already lost so much of my childhood that the other kids thought I was strange and avoided me. 

It only got worse as I got older. The members of the Lightless Flame would oscillate wildly between thinking of me as a child that needed to be told exactly what to do and thinking of me as the Desolation personified and wanted me to magically know how to perform the Scoured Earth ritual. Arthur Nolan in particular pushed this second idea. Unfortunately, being born of fire did not give me any sort of instinctual knowledge, and disappointment rippled throughout the organization. 

It’s funny, but I never really understood how lonely I was. I’d never known anything else, so why would I need a word to explain the feeling? The textbook definition of lonely is being alone, and I was surrounded by followers of the Lightless Flame, so I couldn’t be lonely.

Then, I started venturing out into the more ignorant part of the world on my own, once I was finally an adult and could bribe my babysitters better. Jude was always the easiest to persuade, she was always so in awe of getting to speak to me, the lightless flame incarnate, that I could get her to agree to most things just by asking.

It was by watching people talk to each other in cafes and parks that I realized that there were different types of loneliness. I was lonely in the sense that while I was surrounded by people, there wasn’t a single person in the world that saw me for who I was. Followers saw me as the Lightless Flame itself instead of my own person, and regular people just saw me as a random woman without this roaring fire burning inside me. If I tried showing anyone who I really was, which I only ever did twice, well, let's just say that the other members of the Lightless Flame praised me for my ruthlessness.

I was surrounded by people, yet I was so completely alone. 

Still, having a word for the feeling I had wasn't anything life-changing. Sure I was lonely, but it didn't mean that I didn't have a destiny to fulfill. I couldn't see any solution to my loneliness, and so the only option was to continue going forward and planning out the Scoured Earth ritual.

But then the fog started to creep in. Sure, it happened slowly, but I noticed it straight away. Fog gets burned away too quickly, I used to almost never see it, so it was conspicuous when I began to see it trailing behind me during the day. It didn't take me long to realize what the fog meant, since the cult had dealt with the Lukas family before, and that was when I really started thinking about my loneliness. 

Of course, I didn't tell anyone about how I'd been touched by the Lonely, and that just took me one step further away from the cult. Really, I am impressed with how efficient the Lonely recruitment process is. No one else seemed to notice the fog, and so I continued with my life. At first, I would just burn away the fog whenever I saw it, but eventually, I just used to it and even gained comfort from the cool sensation it provided. This fog was there because of me and my feelings, not because of my mother's decisions. I took pride in the fact that I didn't confide in anyone else about the fog. They wouldn't get it, of course, but they probably would have tried to help the fog go away, and the fog was mine, so I couldn't let that happen.

Then, two weeks ago, Arthur requested I go finish recruiting a new member into the Lightless Flame. Kaylee, her name was, practically a done deal already. She was a university student and fed up with the rigid structure of life, ready to burn it all to the ground at the smallest little push. The plan was for me to talk to her and plant the idea of setting the university library on fire during her next study session. However, I recognized something in her as we started speaking. Kaylee had two siblings with a habit of rebelling, so her parents were ecstatic to see Kaylee get good grades and not stir up trouble. She was their angel child who didn't need any extra attention, their future little doctor. And she was good at school, that was true, but almost too good. She struggled to make any friends that wanted to do anything besides use her to tutor them, or partner with her for projects.

Kaylee lived in a world where every put her on a pedestal and didn't care about her problems, and I understood her. I could've gotten her to burn the library down the day of our first meeting, but instead, I made a choice, the first choice I made that mattered in as long as I can remember. I wrapped my hand in the cool fog that follows me everywhere these days and took her hand. I watched as the righteous fire died in her eyes, replaced by the cold certainty that no one would ever understand her, not even the Lightless Flame. When we parted ways, I saw the fog trail after her and knew that she wouldn't be burning anything down anytime soon.

I kept an eye on her for the next week, watching her distance herself from everyone and anyone who could help her, curling further and further into the fog, until she just disappeared. She disappeared, and I followed her lead. I left the Cult of the Lightless Flame last week, realizing that while I had power from their entity, I was not a part of them any longer. I had made my decision weeks ago to serve another entity, and it's time I respect the decision. I have accepted the Lonely now, and I'm at peace with that. It is my entity, I've chosen it, and I will serve it rather than the fear that birthed me and expected me to do its bidding.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm late for entity swap day, but I got really excited about this idea and still wanted to write it, even if I didn't have time to finish it on time.
> 
> Thanks for reading, leaving kudos, and commenting! I really appreciate all of it!!


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